How to Manage Your Manager: Building a Stronger, More Strategic Relationship
When we think about leadership development, we often focus on how we lead others — our teams, our peers, our clients. But one area that often gets overlooked is the relationship we have with our own manager. Whether you have an excellent working relationship or something a little more average, there are always ways to make that relationship work harder and smarter for both of you.
In this post, we explore what it really means to “manage your manager”, and why thinking strategically about this relationship could make a significant difference to your success at work.
The Balancing Act of Leadership
First, a reality check. Many of us — especially those juggling senior leadership responsibilities — know what it’s like to be stretched thin. Sometimes you’re in ‘tactical mode’, dancing your socks off on the metaphorical dance floor, trying to get through the work mountain before a much-needed holiday. Other times, you need to get up onto the balcony and take a more strategic view.
But one area where strategy really counts is in managing upwards. That means actively thinking about what your manager needs from you, what you need from them, and how you can work together more effectively.
What Does Managing Your Manager Actually Mean?
Managing your manager isn’t about manipulation or flattery. It’s about optimising the way you work together to save time, reduce friction and achieve better outcomes. Think of it as relationship maintenance: identifying what your manager needs to do their job well, while making sure you get the guidance, approval and support you need to do yours.
This process becomes especially important as you become more senior. When both you and your manager have years of experience under your belts, you’re no longer in a teacher-pupil relationship. You’re both experienced professionals who need to collaborate as adults.
From Parent-Child to Adult-Adult
A useful lens for thinking about this relationship comes from Transactional Analysis — the Parent-Adult-Child model developed by Dr Eric Berne. It describes three modes we can fall into during any interaction:
Parent Mode: Acting with authority, telling others what to do, or ‘nurturing’ in a way that may feel patronising.
Child Mode: Being subservient, seeking approval, or rebelling against authority.
Adult Mode: Showing up as equals, working rationally and collaboratively to solve problems.
Many of us unconsciously slip into Parent-Child dynamics with our managers. We either expect them to have all the answers or try to please them at all costs. Alternatively, we might resist their authority and slip into rebellious mode. None of these positions leads to the best outcomes.
The goal is to move into Adult-Adult conversations — where both parties bring their expertise to the table, both feel respected, and both focus on solving the problem at hand.
A Real-World Example
One of my most powerful leadership lessons came from working with a former CEO, James. Whenever I needed his approval for something, I’d make my case — and then keep piling on arguments, evidence and enthusiasm. The more I pushed, the more he seemed to dig his heels in.
Eventually, I realised the issue wasn’t the quality of my argument. It was the fact that James was an introvert who needed time to think. What he needed from me was a clear, concise proposal — and then silence. He needed a moment to process before making a decision.
When I adapted my approach, the whole dynamic shifted. I didn’t have to work so hard to ‘sell’ my ideas, and he was able to say yes more easily. That simple shift — understanding his preference and respecting his process — transformed our working relationship.
Practical Tips for Managing Your Manager
Know Their Preferences
Does your manager prefer quick summaries or detailed reports? Do they like to brainstorm aloud or think privately first? Understanding these preferences helps you communicate more effectively.Be Clear About What You Need
Do you need a decision? Approval? Advice? A quick heads-up? Make it clear from the start. This reduces the chance of miscommunication.Respect Their Time
Senior leaders are often time-poor. Package your requests neatly — be clear, concise and purposeful.Stay in Adult Mode
Remember, your manager doesn’t know everything. They aren’t omniscient, and they aren’t your parent. Approach conversations as equals, showing respect for both your expertise and theirs.Manage Your Emotions
If feedback or tension triggers a reaction, pause. Ask yourself: “If I were being my most effective adult self right now, how would I respond?” This mental reset can be invaluable.Create Space for Thinking
Not every conversation needs an instant answer. Sometimes the most effective way to get to yes is to say your piece — and then pause.
Final Thought
Managing upwards is part of the leadership toolkit. It’s not about politics or playing games; it’s about mutual respect, clear communication, and understanding how to work with — not against — your manager’s natural style.
By approaching this relationship with curiosity, self-awareness and a mindset of partnership, you can transform it into one of the most valuable assets in your leadership career.