How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
Overcoming People-Pleasing in Leadership: How to Set Boundaries Without the Guilt
As a leader, you're likely familiar with the pressure to be accommodating, supportive, and "nice" to those around you. After all, who doesn't want to be liked and seen as a helpful figure? But when that desire to please others crosses into constantly saying "yes," it can hinder your effectiveness as a leader and prevent you from focusing on what's truly important.
In this post, we'll explore how to recognise people-pleasing tendencies, the negative impact it can have on your leadership, and how to set boundaries without feeling guilty. The goal is to find a balance that allows you to be both supportive and strategic.
What Is People-Pleasing and Why Is It a Problem?
People-pleasing is often rooted in a desire to be helpful, liked, and avoid conflict. On the surface, these traits seem positive. After all, being supportive, collaborative, and respectful are all good qualities. However, the problem arises when you prioritise others' needs at the expense of your own.
When people-pleasing takes over, you may find yourself saying "yes" to everything. You overcommit, take on too much, and end up sacrificing your own time, energy, and well-being. Over time, this can lead to stress, burnout, and a lack of focus on your key leadership responsibilities.
The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing in Leadership
While it may seem harmless to take on extra tasks or constantly accommodate others, there are significant hidden costs that can impact your leadership:
Personal Overload: When you say yes to everyone, you risk overwhelming yourself with tasks, meetings, and commitments that aren't aligned with your priorities. This can lead to stress, burnout, and a decrease in productivity.
Stagnant Team Growth: If you're always stepping in to solve others' problems, you're depriving your team members of the opportunity to grow. Delegating tasks and allowing others to face challenges helps develop their problem-solving skills and fosters a stronger team.
Decreased Strategic Impact: People-pleasing behaviour often stems from a desire to avoid conflict or discomfort. But as a leader, you need to be comfortable stepping into difficult conversations and making unpopular decisions. Avoiding these situations can undermine your ability to make strategic choices and lead with authority.
Unintended Consequences for Others: By always saying "yes," you can create an environment where others rely on you too heavily. This dynamic can prevent your team from developing their own skills or cause resentment if they feel you're taking on too much and leaving them with less responsibility.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Be Assertive
The good news is that you can take practical steps to curb people-pleasing behaviour and set boundaries that serve both you and your team. Here's how to do it:
1. Recognise the Signs of People-Pleasing
The first step is awareness. People-pleasing often manifests in the following ways:
Saying yes to requests even when you don't have the time or capacity.
Avoiding conflict or uncomfortable conversations.
Taking on others' problems and tasks to avoid letting them down.
Over-apologising or over-explaining when you say "no."
Once you notice these behaviours, you can begin to shift your approach to leadership and decision-making.
2. The Power of Saying "No" (Without the Guilt)
One of the most powerful tools in overcoming people-pleasing is learning how to say "no" assertively. Saying no isn't about being rude or dismissive—it's about prioritising your time and energy for what truly matters.
Instead of saying a flat "no" that could feel harsh or aggressive, consider an assertive approach. For example:
"I can't do this today, but I have time tomorrow. Would that work?"
"I can't take this on right now, but I can recommend someone who can help."
"This isn't a priority for me right now, but I can help you in the future."
The key is to acknowledge the other person's needs while staying firm in your decision to protect your own time and energy. Remember, your boundaries are important.
3. The Continuum: From Passive to Aggressive to Assertive
People-pleasing often falls on the "passive" end of the spectrum, where you put others' needs ahead of your own. At the opposite extreme is "aggressive" behaviour, where you disregard others' needs entirely. The goal is to find a middle ground—assertiveness.
Assertiveness is about finding a balance between your own needs and the needs of others. It means you can say no without feeling guilty and without undermining others. It's about negotiating and finding mutually beneficial solutions.
Ask yourself:
What am I saying yes to?
What am I saying no to?
What is my priority right now?
This approach helps you maintain both professionalism and empathy.
4. Understand the Impact of Your Decisions
Before saying yes or no to something, think about the bigger picture:
What is the impact of taking this on? Will it move you or your team closer to your strategic goals?
What is the impact of saying no? Is it giving others the opportunity to grow, or is it helping you stay focused on your highest priorities?
This strategic perspective can help you make decisions that align with your long-term goals, rather than just the immediate needs of others.
Experimenting with Boundaries: A Strategic Approach
Setting boundaries is a skill that requires practice. It's not about becoming rigid or uncooperative—it's about finding the right balance. Here are a few strategies to experiment with:
Start Small: Practice saying no in low-stakes situations. This could be as simple as declining a meeting that isn't essential to your goals or letting someone know you can't take on a new project at the moment.
Reflect on Outcomes: After you've set a boundary, reflect on the impact. Did the person respect your decision? Did it help you stay focused on your priorities? Did the world end because you said no? (Spoiler: It likely didn't.)
Reassess Regularly: As a leader, your priorities and your team's needs will evolve. Reassess your boundaries periodically to ensure they are still aligned with your goals.
Final Thoughts
People-pleasing may feel like the path of least resistance, but it can have long-term negative consequences for you and your team. By recognising the signs of people-pleasing behaviour and learning to set healthy boundaries, you can improve both your well-being and your leadership effectiveness.
Remember, saying no doesn't make you a bad leader. In fact, it makes you a more strategic, focused, and effective one. You can still be supportive, compassionate, and considerate while prioritising your own needs and those of the team. The key is balance and learning to make choices that serve the bigger picture.
Take Action:
Start by asking yourself the following questions to build your boundary-setting muscle:
What am I not okay with?
How can I say no while being assertive, not passive or aggressive?
What will be the impact of saying yes or no to this request?
By gradually leaning into these practices, you'll develop a leadership style that's both compassionate and strategic, ensuring you're not only respected but also protecting your own time and energy to lead effectively.